How to get married!
Klarissa in the Car here with my FriYAY VLOG! Are you bitches ready to get wifed??? Marriage is such an important topic. The Marriage Instagram post trifecta (The ‘Look at My Ring!’, The ‘Look at My FIaNcE!!!!’ and The ‘Dip and Kiss!!!’) will blow away your previous most-liked-evers!
Your formerly most liked Instagram post is probably you in a string bikini in Cabo. You thought Tyler Jenson would notice your exposed butt. But he kept talking to Haley Kittle, who owns black, red, pink, AND gold Juicy sweatsuits. Skankyyy!!
I am here to tell YOU that commitment to lifelong partnership can be as easy as teasing your side tit to the Lorenzo’s bartender for free juniper gin bombers.
The first step of getting hitched is The Ring. Use Pinterest to select your engagement diamond long before you pick a partner. When choosing your ring, you are ACTUALLY CHOOSING your man. I did not make the rules, but I can predict the man you will marry according to your preferred diamond style.
If you want a ‘Princess Cut’ diamond, you appreciate stability and regularly drink tea on Friday. You need an organized and disciplined man, somebody who will keep your kitchen spotless and will fold the couch blanket after movie night. Your future husband will be a high-level bank teller, a baseball umpire, a VP of insurance, or an Alaska Airlines customer service rep.
The Marquise Cut, for whatever reason, begets adventure. Your future husband will play the banjo and your uncles will always hog his attention at Thanksgiving. The purchaser of YOUR ring may be a Sushi chef, a professional Heli-skier, or a man who loves Gushers.
One of my favorites is the Cushion Cut diamond. This finger snuggie style attracts a calm, nurturing man who is soft like a chai tea latte. Hubby may be a Cat sitter, a member of the Netflix rom-com content selection committee, a musical pamphlet writer, or a pediatric brain surgeon.
And finally, the Round Cut diamond. This style is notorious for creating power couples. Your baller shot caller may be the lead singer of a non-religious indie metal band, a Western Conference NBA shooting guard, a Trader Joes Manager, or a hilarious comedian with a weekly email.
Once the ring is selected, you must choose and train the friend who will ensure your man buys the exact ring you want. This is a crucial task and there can be no mistakes. Quiz your friend daily on ring size, diamond cut, band details, and price range expectations. Personally, I made Lauren a Quizlet which worked great. In fact, two years after my second engagement, Lauren tragically slipped into a coma after an unexpected pineapple accident. During my second visit to her hospital bed, she awoke in front of me shrieking, “Size 6, Tiffany Setting, Cushion Cut, Pave, No engravings!!” That is loyalty.
Men have fragile egos and will want to think they chose your ring. Ensure your best friend is equipped to manipulate your man throughout the buying process. Mastery of subtle non-verbal cues is something I believe everybody should learn. I recommend you practice the fundamentals alongside your friend: the significantly displeased eye squint, the exaggerated head tilt to the right side, and the sharp breath inhale. My favorite resource is ‘Lie Like the CIA’, a book where CIA officers teach you clandestine deception techniques used against Al Qaeda. There is still a great CIA Quizlet online bee-tee-dubs.
Now for the Wedding venue. Are you a beach girl, a forest girl, a golf course girl, a vineyard girl, or a barn girl? Some guiding questions: Do you look hot with a tan? Are your only positive memories between you and your father during your annual Yosemite camping trip? Do you get uncomfortable around people who think a Lexus is ‘a really nice car’? Is your fiancé a lawyer who graduated college at the same time you graduated the fifth grade? Is Cotton Eyed Joe on your “Songs of the Millennium” playlist? In addition to answering these questions, what also helped me was realizing that the venue is literally the background for all your wedding pictures. Like, do you want to be standing next to grapes, a cow or a golfer??
Holy shit. One sec babies.
FUCK
you have to be kidding
I just got a Twitter notification that RBG died
RBG. Sweet and powerful RBG. I feel my stomach plummeting to the floor. Is anything real? Does love exist? Mitch McConnell and the Senate Republicans are going to ram through a Supreme Court justice and take away women’s right to choose.
I am so sorry FriYayers. I lost my focus, this is just so sad. Okay, okay, okay. Back to the frivolity of marriage. Where were we? How to pick a man? Honestly, just get a good therapist and a good lawyer and you will be fine.
What else do you need? Makeup? Flowers? Food? Just order some taco bell, you’ll be fine. JESUS CHRIST I AM NOT FINE RIGHT NOW, AMERICA IS MORE BANANA REPUBLIC THAN MY HUSBAND’S KAKI’S. I CAN NOT THINK ABOUT MARRIAGE RIGHT NOW. I’M TIRED, MY SECOND HUSBAND’S NAME IS ACTUALLY MITCH AND NOW I MAY NEED TO GET A THIRD HUSBAND.
I am so sorry, but I just can’t even today.
Please vote, this is such a sad day for our country. Besos…besos, sorry for crying, but I’ll see you hotties next week.