How I Won Couples Therapy

By Ellen DeGeneres

I am the most competitive motherfucker on this planet.

Being a 30-time Emmy winner is a daily mindset. I did not become top dawg of day-time by losing. Megyn Kelly? Never heard of it. This morning I threw all 10,000 puzzle pieces ninja star style out my third-floor window because my niece kept finding ‘fits’ before me. Freak.

I used to be known as the Queen of Queenliness. The Keeper of Kindness. The White (and gay!) Oprah. But this summer, you saw my competitive side. The media crucified me, and my employees called me ‘not nice’, openly. I lost friends, but thankfully gained new ones. Yesterday, Brett Kavanaugh and I (or Bretty K as I call him) crushed a bun busting Peloton class, then drank a gazillion beers. Big shout out to G ‘Dubs for the introduction howdy-do.  

This virus, but mostly Twitter hating me, stressed my relationship with the wifey. Portia and I decided to go to Couples Therapy. I won and I want to share how I did it.

Most couples think the bedroom, the bank account, or the weekly Pictionary game is where the big enchilada of the relationship is exposed. However, I am here to tell you that Couples Therapy is where the Ultimate Winner is crowned. Ghandi said, “To play and beat a partner who you deeply love, is to find eternal happiness.”

Let me explain how Couples Therapy works and how to win.

To win Couples Therapy, you must convince your therapist that you are the more emotionally intelligent partner in the relationship, and that therefore your side of the story is correct. You will begin the therapy session alongside your partner. Your therapist, aka The Referee, will ask questions that appear like warmups. How are you? How was your week? Do not let the small talk fool you. It is game time.  

The currency of Couples Therapy is feelings and perceived vulnerability. Before the Couples Therapy session, rehearse sharing while utilizing language that asserts sincerity. Trigger phrases like ‘I with-held telling you’, ‘I felt’, ‘I was worried’ will make your therapist salivate. Therapists call this ‘sharing your feelings’ and it is super important. Look at how I combined all trigger phrases together: “I with-held telling you, that I felt anxious after you licked the peanut butter spoon and then stuck it back in because I was worried you would laugh at me and do it again.”   

Another way to put points on the board is to share any story related to a dishwasher. Is the dishwasher always full? Dirty? Empty? Do you not have a dishwasher? Does your partner unload the dishwasher before you can unload it yourself? A dishwasher story to a couple’s therapist is like a lob pass for Michael Jordan to slam dunk it home. Let your therapist feel important and needed by giving them common problems they have solved hundreds of times. Taking the trash out without replacing the bag is also a good ‘bump, set, spike’ for most therapists.

Another tip for scoring touchdown runs with your therapist is the Repeat Back. Let's pretend your partner tells you they feel worried about how much time you are spending at work. Simply repeat back, “Babe, you’re worried I spend so much time at work.” That is literally all you must do. No behavior change is warranted once your therapist believes your partner feels heard. Just remember to only repeat sentences about their feelings and do NOT repeat back your interpretation of vocal noises your partner makes if crying or sniffling. That will sound cruel and will not give you the empathetic merit badge you need.

If you partner gains momentum with your therapist through a vulnerable share, your only move is to very actively listen. Direct all eye contact to your partner and use unmistakable up and down eyebrow movement to direct attention away from whatever story they are sharing and bring the attention towards your sensitive body language. To communicate your vulnerability even when your partner is the one speaking, touch your neck or wrap your arms around your chest in a self-hug. 80% of communication is non-verbal, and therapists know this. So, you can actually convey more information to your therapist when you are not the one speaking.

If you cannot master these fundamentals quickly, an ingenious crutch is Showcasing Growth. Your therapist believes they are just a neutral party and that their goal is to simply incorporate a new method of communication for you and your partner to better understand each other. This is a bunch of hooey. Everybody always has a favorite and that favorite will be declared the winner at the end of the session. If you show consistent growth, you can curry the favor of even the most Sweden of therapists. Everybody has a soft spot for the partner who is just trying their hardest to learn. Heck, my entire career is built on putting the Bambi’s of our society on TV and letting Teachers sing on air. If you tactfully show measured, predictable effort from week to week, your therapist will adore you like an unplanned sunflower in their garden.

Now, late in the game, during the 12th round, the score may be tied. Your partner just poured their heart out about how crippled they felt after you did not recognize the new otter shaped bathmat. Fuck. The outcome could go either way as your partner has put in a strong performance. 14 vulnerable shares, 10 fully completed active listens, and 11 neck touches. To compete with those numbers, you must close like Harvey from Suits. Without taking your eyes off your partner to look at the Referee or the clock, take three, deliberate, shaky breaths. And using measured pacing say, “Look…I hear you, babe. And hearing you, made me very, emotional. I need to collect myself before we go any further because I want to remain present with you, and for you, always.” Your therapist will cream over your emotional maturity, and will say, “Stop right there! oh my Goodness, what a finish! You win!!!! It’s all over!! You win! Don’t bother coming back next week, because you win! You are always right!!”

Now, not everybody can win therapy like me. To ensure these results, you must find the right therapist. Personally, I paid off my therapist $70,000 behind Portia’s back before we started our sessions. Now if you do not have access to money, well, you obviously cannot sit with me and G ‘dubs in our Cowboys Box Seats.

So, have a good life!