Private Equity Firm Hires Useless Employee To Identify And Fire Other Useless Employees

Private Equity firm Top Bucket Capital (TBC) is testing an innovative way to weed out unproductive employees at their portfolio companies: They have hired Dave, a former sales manager at Dental Software Inc. and objectively the least productive worker in the global economy.

“Let’s just say Dave had a very loose idea of lunch hour.” Said his former boss Miranda Evans. “He only made it to manager because our CEO lost a poker match to Dave’s dad. Or maybe our CEO is Dave’s dad? Either way, I hated Dave.”

“Dave was so good at mini basketball HORSE.” Raved Dental Software Inc. SDR, Jason Hodges. “And he was the only guy always down to grab coffee- even if he had just arrived at the office!”

Once the terms of Dave’s role were finalized, Dave surprisingly proved to be an immediate asset. TBC’s VP of Investor Relations Andrea Peters explained, “After buying a new company, we just let Dave wander around their offices for a week or so. Anybody who he later tells us is “a really cool guy” or “loves Duke too!” we put on the chopping block.”

So far, the strategy appears to be working. Business Outsider has learned that TBC’s returns this year are in the top decile for all private equity firms.

“Underperforming employees with their cancerous work ethic can ruin companies.” TBC’s deal making veteran Sam Raddleman exclaimed while presenting to graduate students at Harvard. “I believe the DAVE technique can be valuable regardless of fund size or asset class.”

However, in a bizarre twist, after an intern let Dave wander TBC’s offices unsupervised, TBC’s CFO witnessed Dave and Sam Raddleman himself emphatically discussing the latest in March Madness.

Raddleman was let go this morning.