Festive Private Equity Partner Decorating Office With Snowflakes Cut From Pink Slips

While humming “Carol of the Bells” on Thursday, Apollo Global Management partner Leon Black decorated the office break room with festive hand-cut snowflakes made from pink slips. He grinned a jolly grin as he thought about the enormous savings he’d make from the hundreds of employees fired this year across dozens of the firm’s companies.

“Adding value to the portfolio is what Christmas is all about!” Black said to the remaining four members of his team as he sipped his hot apple cider. “Let’s have some fun, huh? I’ve got some sparkly wrapping paper in the supply closet. Who wants to help me wrap severance packages?” he said with a cheerful chuckle.

Business Outsider reporters probed second-year associate Andrea Vance on what Christmas meant to her. “Not much,” she shrugged, “I’m an associate, so my bonus is actually paid out in August.” She then went back to work on her Excel spreadsheet, which modeled the potential cost savings of firing another 200 employees.

After hanging over 500 pink slip snowflakes, Black began preparing for the company-wide paper snowball fight by balling up the state school resumes received during on-cycle recruiting.