Three Gorgeous Houseplants You Can Count On Surviving The Civil War
With the upcoming civil war likely to last a kinda long time, you want to ensure you are buying plants that last. Here is your guide to three beautiful houseplants that spark joy and will survive your civil war deployment. Go get em, fighter!
1. Pothos (Epipremnum aureum): Calling all black thumbs who also believe Black Lives Matter!! Pothos is so easy to care for, even American levels of white apathy cannot hurt this little guy. You can over-water it, under-water it, or even let Brett Kavanaugh use his leftover foreign beer to water it! Pothos earned the nickname "devil's ivy" after Harry Potter stans spotted the plant tucked in the corner of Dolores Umbridge's Hogwarts office. But you don’t need the powers of an evil witch to care for this vine because like Mitch McConnell, this trailing vine can’t be killed!
2. Weeping fig (Ficus benjamina): Thought we were finished crying? This lush, small-leafed tree requires a bright room with lots of indirect light; so leave your blinds open and place this tragic tree by the window. Before you head out the door to fight neo-nazi’s, leave care instructions for your elderly neighbor, Jill, to keep the soil evenly moist and to go fuck herself for voting against Joe Biden. You should also leave her a book on systemic racism, which she will ignore or call, ‘a very sweet story’. Once Jill throws your book in the dumpster and stops watering your plants, your weeping fig will drop its leaves in symbolic appreciation of your sacrifice for democracy.
3. Peace lily (Spathiphyllum wallisii): During war time, it is important to imagine a more peaceful future. While the peace lily tolerates low light, it does not tolerate bigotry and its leaves will droop when the Donald calls into Fox and Friends. This graceful table plant’s dark green leaves frame tall, white calla-like blooms in spring. Wow, doesn’t that sound pretty? Unfortunately, after you fight a civil war, there is only a 13% chance you hold the capacity to recognize beauty again!!
Buying and caring for plants in your home is important, but it does not have to take over your life like the PTSD of war will. And don’t forget; if you buy your plants from Republican supporting Home Depot instead of the Democratic haven Lowe’s or that ridiculously expensive café / nursery crossover, you will burn in hell!!