Woman on Hunt Releases Dick Back into Wild; Deemed Below Regulation Size
After spending her night catching a dick, Harriet was frustrated to see that the dick failed to meet the size limit of the California Department of Penis and Pussy (CDPP).
When describing what happened, Harriet said, “It was late in the season and I was hunting Big Dick. I always apply for hunting permits in the San Francisco Bay Area Marina district because geographically, it is a thrilling challenge. Large penises are rare.”
Before Harriet began her hunt, the CDPP released statistics on Big Dick for the month of September. The report found that Big Dick seekers had successful hunts 12% of the time in September- over 10x the historical 1.1% Big Dick rate in the Marina.
Harriet was beside herself. “Everybody knows a Marina Big Dick is unheard of! My dads would be so proud if I finally landed one, here.”
CDPP authorities failed to explain the sudden increase, but agree that, “Big Dicks in the Marina is certainly abnormal, for any season.”
London Breed, mayor of San Francisco, responded to press, “People are catching Big Dicks in the Marina??? Well then momma’s heading to Silver Cloud, tonight!!”
In addition to an annual license, hunters are required to tag their Big Dick on Instagram and pay a city ordinance fee. The hunter must also be over 18 and have signed the waiver understanding the risks of Big Dick.
Harriet said, “My dads taught me that catching a Big Dick is an odds game. You must play the percentages because I don’t care what anybody tells you- you never know, until you know.”
Harriet revealed patterns she looks for to increase her odds. “Is he drinking Moscow Mules and wearing Hawaiian shirts? That is is never a good sign. But wearing a deep V-neck shirt? Well, then it depends on whether he owns chukka boots and what watch he is wearing. To catch Big Dick, especially in the Marina, where literally nobody has a Big Dick, attention to detail is critical.”
Longtime Big Dick expert, Jessica, said, “Successfully tracking and catching a Big Dick is about sensing energy. Men with Large Penis have a certain aura and vibe you can feel when they step into the bar. They are not tryhards and are always respectful to those around them. Big Dicks do not care about money and are not necessarily good looking. Just look at Pete Davidson! I always carefully observe how a man tips the bartender. An extra-large tip from a Patagonia-vest-wearing-technology-venture-capitalist-Marina-fuck-boy usually implies the opposite about his dick.”
Earlier this month, The Association of Tiny Penises (ATP) released a statement, “We are hopeful that Prop 3 passes in November to increase funding for Big Dick Energy (BDE) education. Each day I hear tragically obvious overcompensation techniques like posting pictures behind the wheel of Lamborghini’s, doing cocaine without being good looking, owning a Tesla, or being named Brad. Mastering the fundamentals of BDE is critical to the ongoing survival of our small member members.”
At press time, Harriet said that she was not deterred by last nights failure. “Failure is just the precursor of success! With Big Dick, you never know. But when it is right in front of your face, you know.”
