CEO’s job security in question after company survey reveals most employees “enjoy work”

 Note: The following is satire and not inspired by my current CEO. Seriously. Oh, italics are on, so maybe I'm joking?? Italics off okay!? I'm serious now, okay!?

Incumbent CEO, Michael Jensen, faces potential replacement after over 50% of employees marked “Generally Satisfied” at work. The Board of Directors for the energy conglomerate were startled after reviewing results.

Jensen released a statement declaring a company-wide initiative to address the overly enthusiastic moral.

“Managers will be incentivized to send emails outside the typical 7AM – 8PM work hours and will receive bonuses for any subordinate seen crying during work hours. We remain committed to our historical no-vacation policy and to our lobbying effort to abolish minimum wage. I am proud of our efforts in these areas.”

Senior board member, Kevin Harrison, said investors are spooked. “This came out of nowhere and our historically stable investor base is worried. Companies with happy employees are bound for bankruptcy or worse, a feature in Oprah’s magazine.”

Jensen tried to address concerns in a recent interview. “Although EnergyCo had our best quarter ever from both a revenue and net income perspective, the increased employee moral will be a significant headwind. Knowing most of my employees go home “generally satisfied” after a full workday, is upsetting. And is it even possible?”

Other top company officials were aggravated that press reports focused exclusively on high employee moral as opposed to their ‘Non-existent’ diversity initiatives. Mid-level managers noted that spearheading new policies could lead to a promotion. “Sure, firing a pregnant employee was innovative a decade ago. But now intern candidates pitch ideas like that during their interviews.”

During the most recent company earnings presentation, company legal counsel, Dirk Low, expressed regret that so many sexual assault allegations were sealed with non-disclosure agreements. “If only people could see the true culture of top company brass. How these old white men act when they close their office door is a true testament to their character.”
 
When pressed about why he checked 'generally satisfied', company employee Donavan Stanton said, “Sure we don’t have a gym in the office, but they do pay us, and it’s usually on time. Plus, there is a 7-11 outside the office, so getting my smokes is easy.”

At press time, friends and family reported Donavan has not been home for two days and was last seen getting into a black van with Mr. Low. Anybody with evidence is to report to the deserted shipyard immediately.