When you enter Sephora, there is always the risk that as a (very) straight man, your attraction to women may not survive the experience. Use this field manual to survive Sephora’s harsh atmosphere with all your straightness intact.
Tactical Tip #1
When greeted by an employee, smile but actually grimace and give a husky, “I am just here, with my girlfriend,” and then point to any corner of the store with the stick of eucalyptus lip balm you are sampling in your hand.
Tactical Tip #2
If an employee catches you holding a Moisturizing Polypeptide Mask and asks, “Finding everything alright?” Casually reply, “...Alright, Alright, ALRIIIGHHTT!” Matthew McConaughey quotes are the fastest way to convey you are straight without gorilla-gluing your hands to your balls.
Tactical Tip #3
I said it last time, and I will say it again- whenever possible, walk into Sephora holding hands with your girlfriend or guy friend with long silky hair (Kogler- I am looking at you, baby). With a partner of female-likeness grasping your sweaty palms, those fruity Sephora employees will leave you free to smell the coconut strawberry walnut scented face serums in peace.
Tactical Tip #4
When inside Sephora, speak with a downward, disinterested tone to ensure all within earshot understand you have never dreamed of painting little white snowflakes on your toenails. One time, Harry Styles enthusiastically asked a Sephora manager which conditioner his Victoria Secret girlfriend might like and the next day, Harry wore a dress to the Met!! Coincidence??
Tactical Tip #5
Set the tone with employees as soon as you enter by asking, “Can you explain what a Sephora is? My girlfriend said that she wanted one.” While the employee turns to give her coworker a confused glance, dart into an adjacent aisle so you can test the Brazilian Superfood Body Balms without being bothered.
Tactical Tip #6
Wear Beats by Dre™ headphones to drown out the Sephora Sirens. Do not take them off until you are safely back in your car.
Tactical Tip #7
If you forgot your Beats by Dre™ headphones at home, walk through the store while conversing loudly about your finance shorts and longs. If afterwards, employees still ask to help you as you test the volumizing mascara wands, explain to them that capital gains are not real because stocks are just a representation of a company’s perceived value and that shareholders do not have any liquidity and that these gains are not liquid. Keep saying the word liquidity until they walk away, or barf.
Tactical Tip #8
Those are Beauty Blenders, not butt plugs. Keep your head out of the gay gutter.
Tactical Tip #9
If a friend from high school walks into the store and sees you exfoliating with glowing facial enzyme enriched bath scrubs, pretend to be catching a rare Pokémon and start singing, “Gotta catch ‘em aaaallll!”
Tactical Tip #10
If a witch turns you into a butterfly-shaped bottle of perfume, and you find yourself trapped in the store until a tween listening to Taylor Swift's 84th studio album buys you and places you next to her Britney Spears lip gloss, do not panic. A single puff of Axe Body Spray will bring you back to a bicep curling machine in a Tennessee 24-Hour Fitness.
Tactical Tip #11
While inside the store, avoid thinking about Michael B. Jordan’s chiseled body or his soft, brown lips. Sephora is not the time for admiring your role models.
Tactical Tip #12
Avoid wearing a sweater at all costs.
Tactical Tip #13
When you enter a Sephora, there is a high probability that a live DJ is performing in the store. However, the 34% of guys who dance inside a Sephora end up performing karaoke shirtless at a drag show in The Stonewall Inn until 4AM that same night. Just dance in your head and remain focused on the Huda Beauty Eyeshadow Palette.
