I like to fit in, you know?
In 1st grade, I wore baggy jeans and skate shoes just like everybody else. I played foursquare just like everybody else. And I wanted to marry Samantha Plant just like everybody else.
However, when it came to my penis, I had trouble fitting in and I did not know why.
In my first-grade bathroom, there were no urinals; just a pee trough at 1st grader height. And, as a 1st grader, you do not pee, you whizz.
So one day, while whizzing, I noticed that all my friends whizzed with the head of their penis exposed. Like literally everybody, even Robin Slovak- who was 1st best at basketball in our class.
But I did not understand this style of peeing. Why roll up your dick skin to whizz when you can whizz fine without rolling it up? Was this just a trend for first graders?
Apparently it wasn’t just first graders. I saw my dad peeing one day and he ALSO pee’d with his dick skin rolled up! He even left his dick skin rolled up AFTER he was done peeing!
Wow okay, so this was a THING. And something everybody knew about, but me.
So, I got a new routine in the morning before school. I’d wake up, brush my teeth, comb my hair, pull my dick skin back, then head to the bus.
I even pulled my little brother aside to ensure he knew the proper way to pee.
“Arden, dude, I’m glad I grabbed you. When you pee, pull your dick skin back. Everybody does it, even dad. Just want to make sure you are the coolest kindergartener.”
I do not recall exactly when I learned about circumcision, but by middle school, after some giggly sex education lessons, I was aware that nobody rolled up their dick skin. Quite contrary, they had had their skin sliced off!
Despite knowing this, I kept the fact that I was different a secret. Instinctually, I knew that being uncircumcised was not something you wanted to brag about in a school full of white Anglo Saxon Lafayette kids. However, one day in middle school, my friends and I were drawing dicks and my dick drawings were different. All their dick drawings had a little line demarcating the head of the penis, whereas my dick drawings were just shaft and balls.
I had betrayed myself.
“Dude- why are your dicks so weird, do you have foreskin or something!??” Everybody stopped eating Nutter Butters and stared at me.
Foreskin. Let us stop for a second and discuss the word foreskin. The word foreskin makes it feel like it is a separate and unnecessary part of the penis. Let me tell you, as somebody whose dick was not mutilated as a week-old baby, that part of the dick, is VERY necessary. Because it is simply, your dick!!
The ONLY time where cutting off the tip of your penis is socially acceptable is as a baby.
Doctors are like, well, we already have the scissors out for the umbilical cord, what’s one more snip?
There was a study, in South Korea, that showed the primary reason for circumcision for 61% of respondents was their child would be ridiculed by their peer group unless they were circumcised.
Let me tell you. They were right.
When my friends found out I was uncircumcised, they made fun of me and it was humiliating. The bullying got so vicious, that I thought about circumcising myself! Like as though I was going to hide under my covers, naked, holding a blow torch and a knife in my hand like, “I just wanna feel normal!!” God this is getting dark chris, do we need to discuss?
I recently founded a charity, “Stop the Chop.”
It is a non-profit organization dedicated to helping young children who still have their entire dick intact. The proceeds go to college scholarships for young men with foreskins. If any of you know any young boys at home with foreskin, they can write an essay about “How foreskin affected their lives.” Then email me their essay and a picture of their dick, for purely verification purposes.
DEAR FBI, THIS IS A JOKE!!!!
P.S.
My most memorable foreskin moment, was in middle school when all my friends went into Matt’s bathroom, one at a time, with a ruler, to measure our dicks.
Measuring our dicks was something we did multiple times, on multiple days.
When it was my turn, I conveniently used the pliability of my foreskin to stretch out a number that was among the top percentile of the group.
#longggg #wtf #stopchris
