Break-in next door (10/16)
Carlsbad is supposed to be a quiet neighborhood, full of conservative leaning military retirees and hippy surfers who say ‘radical send’ unironically.
However, two nights ago, our quiet apartment by the sea (in case you forgot, I live a half block from the beach. I just want to make sure we are all on the same page here.) was greeted with Harry-Potter-as-a-teenager-level chaos.
Our upstairs neighbor’s ex-boyfriend is a tweaker. She probably is too because I assume you don’t date obvious meth addicts unless you also dabble in the Scooby Snax. To her credit, she does have a restraining order on this guy. However, for the past month, the two of them have been palling around on beach cruisers and driving to Wendy’s. I saw them leaving together in a car a few times at 5pm, which is perfect Wendy’s time, so I assume they went to Wendy’s.
At midnight, her ex-boyfriend showed up to her apartment, hammered, and tried to enter through her window screen. She was very upset by this behavior and they started having a screaming match. He then tried to climb through her back window via a ladder and failed. Then, he tried the front door again and then the screen window again. Nothing was working for this guy. I learned all this information the next day through Nicole and our neighbors because I slept through the entire episode.
Around 1:45AM, the cops arrived, and the tweaker dude was tasered and taken to jail.
At 8AM the next morning, our next door neighbors were talking animatedly about the events of last night. (These neighbors are super nice and not tweakers. However, their names, Shelby and Gaby, are names of two girls I have previously dated, so while big plus on the non-tweaker side, unfortunate bummer on the name side.)
I go outside with my coffee to learn more and see Shelby and her girlfriend Lyla pointing at our fence. I look. The tweaker boyfriend had taken a GIANT DUMP on our driveway. AND THEN, he used Shelby’s beach towel hanging on the fence to wipe himself.
THANK GOD he didn’t use my beach towel.
However, the night’s events do not end there.
The same night, somebody popped Shelby’s screen off, reached around, unlocked her front door, and walked inside her apartment and took her car keys, passport, and wallet. Now, her car is missing and her credit card is being charged for $7 smoothies and $45 Jack in the Box meals. That’s a lot of curly fries dude.
I feel so bad for her and I feel violated that somebody walked inside their apartment. This neighborhood felt so safe. And now this!
Thankfully, the police were helpful. They interviewed Shelby and did not believe her.
Officer: Are you sure you didn’t loan your car to a friend? If we do find your car (which they likely won’t), I want to warn you that we will ask the driver to exit the car at gunpoint. Are you sure you want that? Are you sure that you are remembering everything correctly? Your friend didn’t take the car? I noticed that you are a woman, so I want to confirm again. Do you actually mean what you said? Please recite your ABC’s to ensure I know you know how to communicate with other humans.
Go eat some donuts dude.
So what happened?? Who stole Shelby’s car? I personally do not think it could have been the tweaker. He was so hammered, I think he would have woken Shelby and Gabby up by popping off their screen and walking around. Also, where would he have put the car before getting arrested?
Send your thoughts on the matter and I will keep you abreast of the investigation.
I hope you are all staying safe and healthy. Thank you so much for reading, sending me articles, sending supportive texts. I am so excited about where my life is going and I am excited to continue to push into the unknown of comedy writing.
ONE LAST THING, my dear friend Cameron, wrote a brilliant personal essay about sacking the shit out of future 1st round NFL pick Joe Burrow, collegiate football at John Hopkins, and what makes him, him. His Medium article is here.
Love you all, have a great weekend.
LFG BABY
