Middle School Politics

My sweaty collar shirt stuck to my back as I walked down the hallway of my middle school. The last bell had just rung.

Btw, yes, this is a flashback and not me as a 25-year-old walking the halls of my middle school present day. We are going back to middle school, which were dark times for 4ft. 6 in. Chris Childers.

I also changed names in this story to protect others from their affiliation with me.

Yes, the above pictures are me in 9th grade because I did not have any middle school pictures…and yes, from the corsage I am holding, it would appear that I have a date. I do not. John’s mom kindly gave me an extra one…

Okay, back to the story. School had just ended and suddenly the announcement speakers crackled to life. Finally. The results of the 8th grade presidential election were in.

Running for president was not a joke for me. Sure, I only spent an afternoon writing my speech and only practiced it 2 times before I got too embarrassed to continue to rehearse in front of my parents. I also did not create a single campaign sign for the walls. But still, I should have been a shoe in! I, Chris Childers, was the 6th and 7th grade student council rep. Even Haley Owens could not ignore how impressive that was, could she??

Vice Principal Mrs. McShane continued to announce results. “And your next Stanley Middle School treasurer, is blah blah…”. I think Blair Peterson won treasurer. Idk how I remember that because I did not care about such lowly positions. Blair would go on to receive a higher score on every single AP English assignment during our senior year of high school and ultimately went to UCLA so maybe she was the smart one? C’mon Mrs. McShane! Who won president??

She kept rambling through the other positions.

Throughout elementary school and middle school, my parents forced me to wear collar shirts each day because school is serious Christopher and this collar will remind you why you are in school. (Hopefully, I can set aside ~40+ therapy sessions to deal with my collar shirt trauma.) However, although I got straight A’s and was never expelled for drinking vodka in the bathroom, I was no angel. Sometimes, in a nod to my Zorro cowboy spirit, I would sneak a t-shirt into my backpack and CHANGE FROM MY COLLAR SHIRT INTO A T-SHIRT! I was like an escaping prison convict. My collar shirt would get stuffed into the bottom of my already bulging backpack and I would pop on a t-shirt. Al Capone would have been proud.

If you did not get it by now, I was a middle school go-getter. I got straight A’s. I put pressure on myself because my dad was (and is) a middle school science teacher and I could not let him down with bad grades in middle school. All my teachers loved me. And, even though I often over-estimate how much people like me, I know my middle school teachers liked me because I won FIVE student of the year awards in middle school. FIVE BABY.

First, Haley Owens should have noticed THAT, right?? Or maybe Jessica Harris?? Second, I cannot believe MIT or Harvard did not have a scout at the Stanley Middle awards ceremony to witness my dominating performance.

Finally, Mrs. McShane announced the final presidential results. I held my breath. “And your next president will be, Robby Jacobs!”

Motherfucker.

I hung my head in disappointment and gave a demoralized golf clap. I looked up at the loudspeaker, and directed a fucking golf clap to telepathically send Robby my congratulations. That is really cute actually.

After I clapped, but before I cried, I remember Michael Johnson running down the halls next to me and screaming, “Yeah!! Robby!!! Yeah!!!!” Michael probably did not even remember I had run against Robby. I was his competitor!! AND I should have won because Robby was not even a 6th OR 7th grade rep!!!! Or maybe Michael just did not care because nobody really cared about who won president and we were not even that good of friends back then! Surprisingly, we are still not best friends!!

After my loss, I contemplated government. Democracy is a crazy thing. Why did the less qualified candidate win??(1)
Did our entire school really vote for Robby because he had cool pins and great signs?? What about experience?? Do people have no sense of duty to their community to do their research on who will actually serve their interests???

I actually did not think any of those thoughts. If I had, I would have had a great college admissions essay and easily predicted Trumps rise to power. Instead, I tearfully biked home from school, jerked off, ate a bowl of ice cream, and then watched That 70’s Show.

Honestly, good times.


(1) (Editor Note- Robby graduated with a degree in computer engineering and now writes code for one of the most successful software companies in the world so maybe he was actually way MORE qualified to lead Stanley Middle than Chris...).