Ross did not like my headlines. I was angry. He thinks Chris Childers is not funny???Who the fuck does this guy think he is? All my friends and family think I am funny!! Right? Deep breath Chris. The moment already passed. You do not have to relive those feelings.
I am started to write (yikes, Chris – maybe invest literally ALL your money hiring an editor) for a website satirizing business news and business culture called Business Outsider. A guy named Ross is a co-founder of the site. No, he is not subscribed to this email. Ross, if you read this, please do not fire me.
This was my first week writing for Business Outsider. Yes, this is a pun on Business Insider.
The process of submitting work to this site, like other satire sites, is writers submit headlines for approval before writing the articles themselves. This is because only 10% - 15% of people even click on a headline to read the article. Readers mostly come for the headlines. So, if the editors (Ross and Sean) think your headline is funny, then you write the article.
Well. Headline submissions were last Sunday. To prepare, I wrote some headlines. But, because I know I am funny, I also wrote the corresponding articles before my headlines were approved. I did this because I am cocky.
Quickly, let us take a step back. A few weeks ago, I sent you all an article titled:
I am sure that headline killed. However, I have no way of knowing, because I have not installed malware into your computers to turn on the camera when you open my emails. But Nicole liked it. My mom liked it. Alan liked it. I liked it. Even Sean, a college friend and the other editor of Business Outsider liked it.
But guess who did not like it…
Ross.
ROsS, did not like my headline. He said, “I just don’t really get it.”
Huh. Am I not funny?
I began to spiral, but Nicole, her sister, and her mom were all in the room with me so I held it together.
I told Ross I would work on more headline ideas and add specificity to the headline. This week, I gave him a new headline. An improved headline. I also sent him a fully written article along with the headline, again.
The new headline was: Tim Cook Canned After Survey Finds Apple Employees “Enjoy Work”
This was a winner. The article made fun of the supposed transformation Apple’s work culture. Apple used to have a toxic work culture, as built by Steve Jobs. (Because remember, he was an asshole.) But now, Apple has a nice, loving work culture because of Tim Cook. Apple friends, is this true?
I shared the headline and the corresponding article and waited.
Ross started typing away in Slack. He said, “I dunno, I just don’t get the joke of the headline. When I think of Apple, I think of a place where people like their jobs. I think Amazon has a worse reputation so maybe “Amazon warehouse manager fired after workers report enjoying work” could have potential, but as is, the joke isn’t working for me.”
:(
Then he really needled my pride. He said, “Ya gotta nail the headline before you work on the content. If the headline isn’t working, the content doesn’t have much of a chance.”
Fuck.
I was steaming. Frustrated. And a little scared. This is the first dude who I do not know, who has ever given me feedback. And he didn’t like it.
Is my writing just shit?
WHY DOESN’T EVERYBODY LIKE ME.
Two weeks ago, I finished a book by Scott Adams, the creator of Dilbert. He said you need feedback and validation from the outside world before you commit to pursuing a dream or business venture because your family and friends are all liars. All of them.
Ouch.
Liars?? All of you?? Scott, are you saying even Aunt Kathleen cannot be objective??
Yeah, probably. But honestly, I would not have it any other way. I have so, so appreciated all the positive feedback and support from you all as I continue my writing journey. I would not have made it this far without your words of encouragement.
I will not be quitting my day job any time soon. But that is okay. Because after brewing my go-to Sleepy Time tea and breathing, I realized that having the courage to show my work to people who do not care about my happiness is a huge step forward. (Although I could be wrong. Ross, maybe you do care about my happiness? You prayed for me last night?? Oh, that was a joke? Ha. Good one. Okay. That’s fine. I’m fine.)
“Less impressed, more involved.”
This quote is from Matthew McConaughey’s new book, Greenlights. I love this quote because it reminds me to get curious about how to make something succeed. To start doing the work that the actor, writer, or comedian did to produce their masterpieces. To not waste time starry eyed, full of wonder when you see something you also want to do. Instead, get curious. Get involved to understand how they did it.
Because then I can do it too.
So, Ross, thank you for giving me your opinion. I really appreciate it and I am proud to be sending you and the team headlines. Even if they all get rejected. Although I still think the Tim Cook headline is hilarious.
Here are some headlines I wrote this week for the Business Outsider team. Send me the 1 or 2 you like best. Try not to lie!! Or maybe do. Yeah, maybe keep lying to me.
Business Satire Headlines
"Life is so hard!" says Chris, a white male who only received 2 job offers despite dad owning 3 companies
New hire immediately fired after using way too many emojis in Slack
FBI recruits Jeff from sales to email missing persons in hopes of finding them well
Trump supporter may admit to wife that kitchen cupboard was open, but will never concede he left cupboard open
‘Easy to use’ CRM startup reluctantly spends majority of new funding on NetSuite Implementation Consultants
Pfizer CEO quits day job to pursue dream as a Day Trading celebrity on Tik Tok
New Social Media Company Only Permits Lies
No Way! CEO interviewing Tyler also plays golf!
Did any make you laugh? Or at least breath fast out your nose?
Have a great weekend team. I'll be enjoying The Masters. Shameless Tiger fan here. LFG baby!!
