Ok here we go. Oh boy. This is a strange letter, so brace yourselves. We will get through it together and then we can talk about it tonight at dinner!
WAP stands for Wet Ass Pussy and it is a smash hit song. You need to check it out. The song is culture defining. People streamed WAP 93 million times, during the week it was released. That is the most streams by any track in any genre, ever.
I would not be surprised if you already heard about the song. Maybe PBS Newshour did a segment? “Judy Woodruff here, from PBS newshour, now with our lead story. WAP, an explicit new rap song by Cardi B and Megan the Stallion, is officially the hottest song in America. The song is about highly activated vaginas and showcases powerful females doing whatever the fuck they want. Because of this, WAP has caught the ire of many Republicans. Republicans are upset that Bernie Sanders supporter, Cardi B, has a superior sex life than the entire team of Fox and Friends combined.”
I played WAP on repeat for an hour in the car last week. When I sing along to WAP, I sing it with my whole chest. I roll up to Vons shouting to the heavens “MACARONI IN A POT, THATS SOME WET ASS PUSSY”. Let yourself bask in the genius of the lyricism. I can’t believe I just said that to my parents. But then again, Nicole and I watched the TV series DAVE with you both (including that one episode with the milking table…nobody was the same after that episode.)
But I am writing this letter to you now, because WAP reminded me of another incredible juicy song: Sir-Mix-A-Lot’s anthem and enemy #1 of suburban moms everywhere, Baby Got Back.
Let’s take a quick trip down memory lane. You guys remember Lorraine right? My 4th and 5th grade bus driver? She was awesome. She had a special iPod for our AM bus route and we would blast music every morning. Our house was the first stop so I discovered a lot of music on that bus. Boulevard of Broken Dreams. Hollaback Girl. The Barbi Song. Toxic. Stacy’s Mom. 1985. Blue Da Ba Dee. And of course, Baby Got Back.
I LIKE BIG BUTTS AND I CAN NOT LIE.
Arden and I loved that song. Everybody on our bus loved that song. We had no idea what we were saying, but we loved singing it. Arden and I loved Baby Got Back so much that we decided to play it for you and Dad!!
God, what a tragic mistake.
Mom, I remember you walked out to Lorraine the very next morning to tell her she had to delete Baby Got Back from the iPod playlist. (Lorraine always got to our house 20-30 minutes early because we were the first stop.) Poor Lorraine was a sitting duck.
I felt so ashamed. I had let down bus #37. We could no longer scream about being sprung, itty bitty waists and big butts. Not listening to Baby Got Back stunted my sexual education. (For example, I did not know what horny meant until watching Billy Madison at Jake’s house in 8th grade). To be honest, I would hypothesize that not listening to Baby Got Back as a 5th grader is related to why during sophomore year of high school, Zoe Bauer said that she “just wanted to go with friends to homecoming this year”.
Gut wrenching stuff.
So Mom, Dad, as you can see, the great censorship of 2004 hurt me a lot. And I have a lot of baggage to unload to my therapist.
I still love you. Thank you for being awesome parents even though you hated Baby Got Back. Or did you secretly love it and just keep the track for yourself??